What is it with people that make us pass judgement on others? We do it unknowingly sometimes. See a mom alone in the store with her children and assume she’s single (and even if she is, that’s her business). A friend tells us what they’re going through and we project our past experiences or what we’ve seen onto their situation. We share the business of others when it’s not our business to share, all in the name of “spilling tea” (with the clause, “don’t say nothing”). We give unsolicited advice to people who just need to vent. We assume that if a person is having marital problems, someone must’ve cheated. We judge people who forgive lovers and friends for the seemingly “unforgivable”. We judge people’s financial situations (both good and bad) without knowing the whole story (and what business is it of ours anyway to know someone’s story?) We say what we “would’ve done” in a situation we’ve never been in. We expect people to move like us, think like us, go along with what we say and if they don’t, it’s a problem.
We’ve created this matrix where nobody wants to open up for fear of being judged. People suffer in silence because they don’t want nobody “knowing their business” (this goes back for generations). We can’t even tell our closest “friends” what we’re going through because again, we don’t want anyone “knowing our business”. We fight silent battles when we don’t have to. Truth be told, ALL of us are going through something, have gone through something, or will go through something and we have NO room to judge anyone else.
But even with knowing that nobody has room to judge us, we still hold everything in. We don’t pursue therapy because that’s been taboo in our community. We’ve all heard this one, “I’m not gonna go and tell a stranger my business, what can they tell me that I don’t already know?” We’ve also heard that if we go to therapy, something must be wrong with us (psst…there is something wrong with us, but we aren’t ready to have that discussion yet). And there are so many other excuses as to why we don’t want to go to therapy or refuse to go to therapy.
I will only talk about myself here, so let me tell you why I go to therapy.
I go to therapy because I’m an over thinker by nature (where are my fellow Virgos?…lol) I over think and over analyze everything. Therapy has become my outlet. It has allowed me to open up and speak out loud what I’m thinking. Not only can I open up and talk freely, but I can receive unbiased professional advice about a way forward. I’ve learned how my childhood has had an impact in my adult decisions. I’ve learned how to confront and face the darkest parts of me that aren’t comfortable to talk about. I’ve gained more self-awareness and confidence to live OUT LOUD and unapologetically. My mom raised us to have tough skin and not care what anybody thinks of us, but now I’m on a whole nother level with it. I speak my truth, I love my truth and I live my truth with a confidence and a boldness that I’ve never experienced before.
Therapy has helped me embrace who I once was, who I am in the present, and who I am becoming. It has helped me understand myself and extend grace and compassion to myself and others. It has taught me what forgiveness is and the steps I needed to take in order to forgive. It has made me a better person and for that, I am grateful. Therapy has impacted me so much that I can’t help but talk about it. I’ve inspired acquaintances, friends and family to seek therapy by simply living out loud.
Therapy has helped me with my self-awareness so much so that I notice when I am judging and I check that negative behavior. I am unlearning negative patterns and replacing them with new ones. I don’t know about you, but I strive to be a better person, with every day being better than I was yesterday. I don’t want to be the friend who people can’t come to because they fear judgement or fear their business being told in the streets in the name of “spilling tea”. I don’t want to be the person who passes judgement on other people’s decisions because they are different than what I would have done.
When you know better, you do better.
I pray you find your people – those people or that one person you can confide in, the one whom you feel comfortable enough to talk to; the one who wont judge your decisions or spread your business in the street; the one who is genuine and sincere and will listen when you need to vent. If you don’t have a person, become one and yours will appear. Also ask God to lead you to your person/people. We NEED people; we are not built to function alone.
Thank you to MY people. You know who you are.
I pray you find a therapist, because contrary to our community’s opinion, you NEED it, we all do. A good place to start is with a referral. If you don’t know anyone who goes to therapy, find one through your insurance provider. You can also search www.psychologytoday.com There you can use different search functions to find what you’re looking for. There are also resources on social media for therapists. In this day and age, we literally have all the answers right at our fingertips. Use your resources.
Thank you to my therapist! You have been a Godsend!
Most importantly, I pray you find yourself – your TRUE self – and you begin to embrace you, accept you, and love you unapologetically. When you find yourself, your whole world opens up – there are endless possibilities. Your decisions, the things you accept, the way you view others and the world changes. It’s a game changer!
I would like to thank myself for doing the WORK necessary to break through generations of issues and get to know who I am truly meant to be. I am evolving and I am loving every part of my evolution!
Let’s normalize self-reflection. Self reflection brings self correction and when you’re busy correcting yourself, you don’t have time to judge others.
As always, thanks to my readers. I appreciate your feedback.
Doing all things in “honesty, love and transparency”
PS – The next time you feel the need to judge the next person, share someone else’s business, spill tea, or turn your nose up at someone’s decision, CHECK YOURSELF. Because that’s not okay.